I'm not in the business of doing what other people want me to do, when they want me to do it. Normally, I bristle when I hear words like "you need to do" or "I want you to do" especially when they are followed by the word "NOW". I'm pretty sure I decide what I'm going to do and when. I don't like to talk about the downward spiral my life is taking and I don't want to dig deep into all the shit with my therapist. I'd much rather feel better first, have some sort of good feelings to use as a foundation. I will call my therapist and we'll talk about it all and what's fixable will be fixed and if the damage that  has been done can't be repaired, oh well! At least I'll be able to say I did it on my terms. I can control THAT! There are things I do because I have to and things I do because I want to. I like to decide the difference. The way I'm dealing with this isn't obvious to everyone around me and THEY can't handle it, not me. I write, I listen to music, I read and I knit and crochet. All of these things are like meditation for me and they help me through this... I also blog, duh. And it's not traditional, but it's good. I'll call my therapist when I AM READY. Thank you very much.

xo. H.

Blahblahblog...

Hmmm... So, I'm in the hospital. AGAIN. The attending physician seemed to take my concerns seriously. Much more than the one the shift before! He was so nice and gave me some advice, I asked him to speak with my doctor and he did. Now I'm here on the 5th floor in the process of trying to figure out why I'm in so much pain and all. I will possibly be seeing a GI doc and a Rheumatologist while I'm here. I've set up on my phone an Internet radio that completely kicks ass! LoL. I have like 8 stations right now but I'll have more soon once I figure out the best way to classify the artists. Like Britney Spears does not go with Backstreet Boys and Pearl Jam does NOT go with DMB... so, I'll have to figure out how to get them grouped better. Now I'm going to post on the mommy blog b/c I haven't in, um, years! HOLLER!

xo HG

Monday/Tuesday 2am

I'm pretty much tired of this. I mean I was minding my business, sleeping so that I didn't have to feel all this pain... stomach pain, back pain, headache... I was rudely awakened for no apparent reason and I've been up since. Now I've been in pain for hours and no one will help me. All I hear is "you should do this, you should do that" no one knows what's wrong so how can they tell me what to do?! I mean, we know I have Gastroparesis, but Dr. Johnson said that it wouldn't make me have such severe pain. So, what on earth IS causing the pain? I mean is it the norm to send people home from the hospital that are throwing up, nauseous and having awful pain that gets worse with eating and drinking? I am calling Dr. Johnson's office tomorrow AND Dr. Seiden's office to see what the hell I'm supposed to do. I'm so tired of waiting for it to get worse and then when it does no one does anything to make it better. Anyway, side note, my little guy just woke up randomly... He said he had to go potty. So I took him to the bathroom and gave him a sticker. He's such a sweet boy and he's doing so well with his potty training. He's pretty much all the way there. I miss him. I don't get to be with him as much as I used to, when I was healthy. Well, when I was doing better. My life is so disrupted by all of this, it's not right, it's not how it should be... I can't be a mother, a wife, a friend. I can't be myself anymore. I am a patient, a number, a pain scale. That's all.

xo HG