Songs...

Some songs make me happy. Some make me sad. Some make me laugh. A lot of songs make me cry. A song just came on by Jimmy Eat World that took me straight back to the summer after high school graduation. Songs do that to me. Each and every song I've ever played has some sort of meaning to me. They remind me of times, places, people, feelings... anything. When I hear a song it's like I can be exactly where I was when it meant so much to me. Feeling those same feelings about those same people or same things... One person in particular ruined a very large amount of love songs for me when he broke my heart. It's so crazy because I'm somehow wired to put song and feeling together and I always have. I heard the song that my husband decided would be our song while we were still dating when I was at a party recently. I haven't heard it in awhile so it caught me off guard. So off guard in fact that I was stuck to my spot with tears in my eyes while in my mind I saw us in his mom's van holding hands, him singing his heart out to me on the way to Navy Pier. Music consumes my life in a way that nothing else does... There's a Dave Matthews Band song that always makes me feel really safe and calm and it's not even really a slow song. But when I was in high school I was blasting it in my room and turned it down when I noticed my dad was home. He asked me why I did that, told me to turn it back up and said "this is that Dave Matthews Band that you love so much? I like it. Keep it on. And turn it up!". During a time when I felt so angry with him, unsafe, stressed out, and just not good enough a song wiped that all away and I feel that sense of calm whenever I listen to that song. We even listened to it together while I was in labor with my son, and I felt that calm again. It's beautiful that music can tell a story in itself and in my life it can be used to tell my story. If my life were a movie my original soundtrack would be sick!



xo HG

Vegan or no? I need input.

I like to type to music, it's rather therapeutic. I'm listening to Michael Bolton. Yes, I said it! Anyway, I have been having some really serious stomach issues (severe pain, terrible digestion, nausea, vomiting), and food has a lot to do with whether or not I feel good or bad. I have been experimenting a lot with my diet and I'm pretty sure cutting out dairy all together could be really helpful. I have thought about going gluten-free or just dairy free, I have also thought about going vegetarian because meat can be really tough on my digestion, too. But, in the last week or so I have thought about going completely vegan. (Shocking!) I know. The ONLY problem I would have with that would be giving up my beloved... CHEESE! I don't really know how that would work... I know there are cheese substitutes but if you're expecting real cheese you'll be disappointed. So, I dunno. I guess I could start out allowing myself only cheese and then work my way up to taking it away? Help?! If anyone reads this, comment, ask questions, help me out. I wanna help my tummy and I think going vegan could work for me but I am very weary about giving up cheese b/c I really love it a lot... such hard choices in life!!! Should I or shouldn't I?


xo HG












HOLLER.

I'm not in the business of doing what other people want me to do, when they want me to do it. Normally, I bristle when I hear words like "you need to do" or "I want you to do" especially when they are followed by the word "NOW". I'm pretty sure I decide what I'm going to do and when. I don't like to talk about the downward spiral my life is taking and I don't want to dig deep into all the shit with my therapist. I'd much rather feel better first, have some sort of good feelings to use as a foundation. I will call my therapist and we'll talk about it all and what's fixable will be fixed and if the damage that  has been done can't be repaired, oh well! At least I'll be able to say I did it on my terms. I can control THAT! There are things I do because I have to and things I do because I want to. I like to decide the difference. The way I'm dealing with this isn't obvious to everyone around me and THEY can't handle it, not me. I write, I listen to music, I read and I knit and crochet. All of these things are like meditation for me and they help me through this... I also blog, duh. And it's not traditional, but it's good. I'll call my therapist when I AM READY. Thank you very much.

xo. H.

Blahblahblog...

Hmmm... So, I'm in the hospital. AGAIN. The attending physician seemed to take my concerns seriously. Much more than the one the shift before! He was so nice and gave me some advice, I asked him to speak with my doctor and he did. Now I'm here on the 5th floor in the process of trying to figure out why I'm in so much pain and all. I will possibly be seeing a GI doc and a Rheumatologist while I'm here. I've set up on my phone an Internet radio that completely kicks ass! LoL. I have like 8 stations right now but I'll have more soon once I figure out the best way to classify the artists. Like Britney Spears does not go with Backstreet Boys and Pearl Jam does NOT go with DMB... so, I'll have to figure out how to get them grouped better. Now I'm going to post on the mommy blog b/c I haven't in, um, years! HOLLER!

xo HG

Monday/Tuesday 2am

I'm pretty much tired of this. I mean I was minding my business, sleeping so that I didn't have to feel all this pain... stomach pain, back pain, headache... I was rudely awakened for no apparent reason and I've been up since. Now I've been in pain for hours and no one will help me. All I hear is "you should do this, you should do that" no one knows what's wrong so how can they tell me what to do?! I mean, we know I have Gastroparesis, but Dr. Johnson said that it wouldn't make me have such severe pain. So, what on earth IS causing the pain? I mean is it the norm to send people home from the hospital that are throwing up, nauseous and having awful pain that gets worse with eating and drinking? I am calling Dr. Johnson's office tomorrow AND Dr. Seiden's office to see what the hell I'm supposed to do. I'm so tired of waiting for it to get worse and then when it does no one does anything to make it better. Anyway, side note, my little guy just woke up randomly... He said he had to go potty. So I took him to the bathroom and gave him a sticker. He's such a sweet boy and he's doing so well with his potty training. He's pretty much all the way there. I miss him. I don't get to be with him as much as I used to, when I was healthy. Well, when I was doing better. My life is so disrupted by all of this, it's not right, it's not how it should be... I can't be a mother, a wife, a friend. I can't be myself anymore. I am a patient, a number, a pain scale. That's all.

xo HG

Tryout

I'm trying this very cool mail2blogger thing. If it works it'll be awesome because my phone won't let me type like a normal person in the regular blog space on the site. I figure this is cooler anyway. So, this is a test, we'll see how it works!


PeAcE

xo HG

This totally sucks!

so, my phone will not allow me to use the alt key for punctuation or the capitalization key. the only ones i can use are the period and the comma. this sucks, i was looking forward to blogging on my phone. hey, i wonder if i can use the touch keys on this... i will look into that. anyway, i am just trying this out and am so far disappointed.

xo hg

Hospital... again, 04.29.10

So, I'm at the hospital... again! This times it's the headaches. Booooo! so sick of this! anyway, oh man, this computer is giving me troubles! My nurse was so nice to let me use her computer! I was gonna get on facebook but she said it doesn't let you... oh well. I'm totally delirious right now and talking about nothing and it's idiotic!!! My sister just called to check up on me and to tell me that my mom & aunt are on their way to see me. woo! omgeeze, I'm SO hungry! where is my food?! This is gonna be great, I'm kind of tired/zoned out and I'm sure my mom & Jeanne are going to be talking about it the whole time they are here! PERFECT!! What I had for lunch is what I ordered for dinner too. Mashed potatoes, soup, and cherry & lemon ices. mm mm yummy! omg, I keep closing my eyes and pretty much falling asleep while I'm sitting here with my hand on a key or two and not realizing I'm typing! hahahahahahaha. Gee I hope my food comes soon, I'm kind of really hungry!


Alright, I'll sign off now, and wait patiently for my dinner to come!I also get more medicine at 8:30. I'm pretty sure Fiona is leaving at 11 and I'll get a new nurse, boo. but she's really cool and when I finish Michelle's wristers I'm gonna come back here and show them to Fiona, then she can decide if she wants a pair like them or a pair like the ones I'm going to make myself! OK, so that's it for tonight. I think my sister is going to lend me one of her laptops so I can go on Facebook and go online whenever I want when I'm here, b/c Fiona won't be back til Sunday! yikes! OK, peace.



xo HG